She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
