I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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