yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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