I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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