didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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