im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Randomize
