This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
