Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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