I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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