If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
