I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
