I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
