i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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