Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
