why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Someone signed my nipple.
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