hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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