I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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