i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
