Someone shit on the floor
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
