Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
