I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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