Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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