Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
