If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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