I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
