New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
