were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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