It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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