Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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