Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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