You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Is Oprah even human
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
