i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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