Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
