WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
