I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
