Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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