just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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