I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
