Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
