I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
