you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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