she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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