Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
