god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
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