He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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