What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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