it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
