You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
