my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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