My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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