i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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