Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
