i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
