Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
