based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
