You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
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