Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I can feel your judgement through the phone
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
