How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
