Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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