I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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