oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
