he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
