Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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