a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
